Worst Day of My Life (part 2)

Today is Friday----Friday is just not a good day for me. I always just seem to have strong waves of sadness and lonliness. It seems like it is harder to keep my focus on Jesus, my mind wants to go to all I have lost, yes all I have lost, because Taylor did not lost anything, in fact the only thing he has lost is all track of time. I know he would say just like he did in that dream-"don't worry about me, I am fine." But that is so much easier said than done. I think of all the lost time I will never get to talk with him, and all the things I wish I would have said or done with him. I think he will never get married or have kids. I must try to remember, someday, yes someday, I will get to talk with him as long as I want, give him a hug. They told us in our grief counseling class, which I thought was rather interesting---grief is like walking in the water, on the beach by the ocean. They said you walk along and the water may be just running slightly over your feet, a little bigger wave comes in and the water may come up to your knees and push you slightly off balance, still not terrible, you don't loose your balance, maybe a little taken off guard. The next wave you may be looking backwards and don't see it coming and it is a big one, and knocks you plum over and the water goes over your head and into your ears. You come up coughing and choking, thinking boy, I did not see that one coming. That is alot like grieving deeply. You can be going along your day, and you feel sad, but not overwhelming sad, but you are not even sure what caused it, the next hour you can be knocked to your knees or even completely down, and are pleading for God to help you back up to a standing position. It is amazing how just about everytime I plead with God to help me back up, He is right there and is grabbing me and helping me back up and then He will be upholding me with His righteous right hand like it says in Isa. 41:10. I was listening to another Bluffton sermon today as I was working out, he had a very good point. He said when God has us on mountain tops that is the time to be developing our relationship with Jesus and a learning time, because when we are in the valley's and which we all are going to be there sometime in our lives, we will know Jesus well and hang on with both hands and let Jesus carry us through the valley. I thought how true that is----because if we did not know Jesus well I think it just might be impossible to ever get out of a valley this deep.
I am going back to the second half of Monday. It is much calmer than the morning. On Monday morning, Brooke had commented to me that she would like to write a tribute to Taylor and have it read at the funeral. I thought that was a good idea, but didn't know if she really would or not, she can be a real procrastinator at times. When I walked in the door of our house, I seen Andy standing by our kitchen table. I walked over to talk with him. He hands me a black folder like thing and says to pick out the songs we want sung at Taylor's funeral. I thought, I hardly ever go to funeral's, and any song I pick out, it will forever have terrible memories, and I will never want to hear them again----little did I know, God would change that thinking and Amazing Grace would become one of my favorite songs, even though Taylor was being wheeled down the aisle out the doors for the last time on this song (I will explain that on the day of the funeral). Once again, Diane made all the decisions about the songs. She did a wonderful job. Anyway, at this point, we were trying to decided who we wanted to have Taylor's service. There was only one thing I wanted to be brought out and that was the phone call from Craig about Taylor having Jesus in his heart, and Taylor expressing that he was a Christian, but as i am again trying to tell Andy this story, I can see he either is not believing it or did not want to bring that out in the service. At that point, I knew Andy was not having the service, but I was not sure who was. I did think before Andy left I better tell him that Brooke wanted to have a tribute read at the funeral. He was not too crazy about that idea---He just said, we don't usually have that done---it can get carried away. I just said that is something she would really like done, it would be some sort of closure for her. We just looked at each other and neither one of us said another word. He soon left. Amber, Matt, April, (Mark came later), Autumn, Keith, Max and Diane were a constant in our lives at this point. They were all here most of the time. I was so thankful to have them here for support. Amber said, I have something to tell you that God showed me. I am always all "ears" when God is involved. She was with Jeff over in the ER and was with Taylor soon after he died. She said later that night, or maybe it was the next day---I can't remember exactly-- she too, ask God to show her a sign if Taylor was safely with Him. She was up most of the night, so in the morning she stayed home with the kids and Matt went to church. Amber was thinking about how God left all the kids 20 and under go into the promise land when they were in the desert. She got to thinking Taylor was just 20. Matt knew nothing about this prayer Amber began to pray. She was praying all morning that if Taylor was with Jesus that the first words out of Matt's mouth when he came home from church would be about this. She said when Matt came home before he even had his tie loosen, he said just those words---the kids 20 and under got to go into the promise land. Could this be by coincidence or chance---I don't think so---God was answering another of our prayers---He was being very merciful time and time again showing us that yes, Taylor is fine---you will see him again someday. God knew that was the only thing that was going to get us through this horrible experience. But God wanted more than to show us where Taylor was, He also wanted us to Glorifiy His Name. So, Autumn took it upon herself to listen to and re-listen to that voice mail of Craig's time and time again until she had it all written word for word. Later that day, Keith and Autum took it and had it all printed out.( i never even thought of this---God showed Autumn and Keith to do this) We tried to decide just how many copies to make, first we thought maybe a hundred, but as we seen later, a hundred would never have been enough. I think Keith said he decided on a thousand. We put them right up there with Taylor's memory cards, so it was there for anybody to take. I also took a bunch with me, and if I noticed somebody going through the line did not have one---I would try to give them one. We wanted God's power and saving Grace to be seen. I pray that in some way it touched hearts----I will probably never know, but God does. People were coming all day long. Food was being brought in----I really don't remember eating much, but it was nice to have food for whoever was hungry. Neil, Jer, and Ellen usually came for supper and stayed the evening with us. In the evening Ron called, He told me this much later---even weeks later---that when Warren called him to tell him about Taylor----Ron said at that point, God said to Ron "you are going to have that service". Ron said back to God, or he probably just thought it---oh, no, I am way to close, but God says again, "no, you are going to have that service, or at least some part in that service". Ron thought, I won't say a word about that. Well, I was not really going to ask him to have the service, i felt, he was Taylor's uncle and was too close---it would be too hard on him. I did think about just having him have the prayer at the cemetery. As we talked, I told him about the phone call from Craig and how I really wanted that brought out and I was not sure that was going to happen. After some more talking, he says do you want me to do it. I could not believe my ears----God at work once more---God is amazing!!! I said that would be great. Then Ron says how do you want the service to be---like based more around Taylor's life---more personal is what he was getting at. I said, all I really want brought out is that phone call and Taylor being saved, then I believe God wants to reach the unsaved by Taylor's sudden death, so preach to the unsaved. I also told him about Brooke wanting to have that tribute read----and Ron said, "we are free in the Lord", meaning we will go where God leads. Then he said he would see us in a few days. Neil then told me that Randy G was also coming for the funeral, I said, do you think he would also speak at Taylor's funeral. I then called Randy and he was more than happy to speak and read Brooke's tribute. Over and over God was present----just like that verse Phil 4:19 My God will meet all of my needs according to His Glorious Riches in Christ Jesus (if you look these up in your bible---you will find I change them a little to make them very personal). This terrible day is finally coming to an end. We are all exhausted, but will we sleep? We say good night to everyone and we are now left alone. We are too tired to even cry anymore, we just slowly get ready for bed. I knee beside my bed, and thank God for His Amazing Grace that He got us through this terrible day, and know that He will get us through tomorrow. I am beginning to see God on a much deeper level---He has been faithful in hearing and answering our prayers. I am feeling a great Love for Him. I know that hundred's of people are praying and I thank every last one of them. I lay my head on my pillow and all I can think about is this terrible day, but God mercifully brings sleep.