The Worst Day of My Life (part 1)

This will be very difficult to write, and very difficult to read----so you may not want to read this one. On that Sunday night after Jeff had said we had an appointment with Gillman's on Monday morning, he also said we had to have Taylor's obituary written up. I just thought how can I possibly write something like that. There were so many things to say about Taylor, but I did not feel like saying a thing. Diane and I sat down to write something, but our minds were blank, the only thought passing through my mind was THIS CAN NOT BE TRUE!. Luann and her kids ended up writing it and e-mailing it to Diane. They put a lot of thought into making it very personal and very much TAYLOR. I truly appreciated them writing it for us. As Diane and Max were leaving that evening, she said we will let you go as a family to the funeral home tomorrow, but if you need us just call and let us know and we will go with you.
Monday morning---I can't remember if it was sunny or raining I just knew that in my heart it was very dark and sad---this was going to be the worst day of my life. I think my prayer for this day was again just moans and groans----. The Holy Spirit, I am sure was interceding for me and also, by now hundreds of people were praying for us. Yes, you do feel the people's prayers. We, I am sure were in the palms of Jesus's hands---like that saying FOOTPRINTS----.The only footprints were Jesus's. Karen came that morning to stay here while we left for Gillman's. People were stopping by and dropping off food. As it got closer to the time for us to leave for Gillman's, I could feel my body starting to shake and thinking I just can not go there. I sat on the livingroom couch and called Diane and through sobbing tears I tried to say, " I just can't do this". She said we will meet you there and go in with you. It was time to get dressed to leave. Spencer could not even go into his room (he shares one with Taylor) to get his clothes. That room is so much Taylor----Taylor left all his work clothes laying on the floor---he just jumped out of them to take a shower that Saturday night before he left. He had jeans and some shirts laying across his bed, his shoes were right in the middle of the room I could barely go in there to get Spencer's clothes out of the closet----just looking at all Taylor's stuff, I just wanted to fall to the floor and sob until there was not a tear left in me---but knew I could not do that, Spencer was standing right outside the door waiting for me to get his stuff. We finally are all ready to leave. Jeff picks up the clothes we had picked out for Taylor and carries them to the car----my heart is breaking into a million pieces----.No body says a word all the way into Gillian's. It is very silent in the car---all in our own thoughts. As we pull into Gillman's, we see Diane and Max are already there. As we pull in, I am thinking, my boy is in there-----How can this be. I do not want to go in---this is a my worst nightmare, but it is not a nightmare, but true---Please let this not be true! We slowly get out of the car, and so do Max's. Diane and I just look at each other and we fall into each other's arms and sob. I am sobbing uncontrollably now, I can barely stand up. Brooke gets out and she just leans over at the waist and is sobbing so hard that Max comes over and helps her from falling to the ground. After five minutes or so, we get ourselves half way under control and hobble and I mean hobble to the door. Bob Gillman opens the door and lets us in, Jeff hands him Taylor's clothes and a picture of Taylor (remember I gave him a picture of Taylor--his senior one) and he says, oh, we usually dress them in long sleeves. I thought Taylor never wears long sleeves, he probably does not even own one. I guess by the look on my face, he got that picture, because he says, but I think this will work just fine. Him and his daughter take us back to a little room and we sit on couches and chairs. I can not control myself anymore and just take to sobbing. Bob comes in with a book of flowers and says what kind of spray do you want on the casket-----the word casket was too much for me and I said I don't know and I really don't care, but i was sobbing so hard, he probably did not even understand what I said..----at that point, Diane, Max, and Jeff made pretty much all the decisions. Gillman's came out and said you want this thank-you or this one, and I can't remember a few more things had to be decided on. It is a really good thing I was needed to make any decisions, because I was plain worthless in that department. Then Bob said, well should we go pick out the casket now. My body started to shake uncontrollably and I just took to sobbing once again. ----I should never be picking out caskets for my son----this is just not right. We all get up, Bob opens up two big doors and we walk in. Caskets are lining the room with some in the middle. They all have their lids open with price tags in them. I only walk around alittle bit but started to sob so hard, I thought I could not stand up anymore, so I said, I just can not do this and had to go back out and sit on the couch, or maybe I was laying on the couch I can't remember. Again, I was not part of this decision, but Jeff wanted me to see the one they picked out. Again, Max and Diane were helping Jeff make decisions----I am so thankful for them, because I was of no help at all with any of this. Jeff had support from them, I was usually all leaned over sobbing or laying on some couch. I did hobble off the couch to look at the one they picked out, but to tell you the truth I can't even remember what it looked like, but agreed it was fine. We all came back out to this same room. Diane gave them the obituary that Luann had typed up, we made a few changes to it. Then Bob wanted to have his viewing at the fellowship hall, but i really did not want it there. All I could think of, I will never want to step foot in that place again. It will always carry terrible memories for me. But Bob said the view is going to be big, so better have it there----I was too weak and tired to fight any more so I agreed. But I did think later, what if my kids get married and want their reception there some day, and we would have to stand up front where my son's casket was. I thought, I could never do that, the memory of his casket being there is engraved in my memory forever. Ok, back to Gillman's. After we got the decision of the casket made, Bob leaves the room for a bit and pretty soon comes back and sits by Jeff and goes over the bill. All I remember of that is him telling Jeff this is the price of embalming, the price of opening the grave, closing the grave and here is your bill, pay in 30 days. I sat there thinking, there surely has to be a better way of giving us the bill that this---could you not mail it. Now, the very worst part of all, the part I was dreading----this was going to make it reality---I was not ready to see my son---not yet. Jeff says can we see Taylor----I say, I don't think I am ready to do that, but the kids wanted to get it over with. We all look at each other and decide OK. Bob says, well I am not done working on him, just stay on this side closest to the door and do not touch him. We all get up from the couch---Brooke and I are first, holding on to each other, I think Diane was behind me and Max was behind Brooke---I don't remember, but I think Jeff was with Spencer were last. As we walk down this long hall, well it seems long at the time, each step we took, Brooke and I started to moan and the closer we got to the open door, which we knew where Taylor was, we moaned louder. When I got to the door and started to look in, and all I could see was his feet and they were covered up---I lost it and collapsed, Diane grabbed me to keep me from falling on the floor---yes, my knees just collapsed. Brooke started to wail and was going down, Max grabbed her by the arms to keep her from hitting the floor. I never knew was it meant to hear or see somebody wailing, but now I know what that is and what that feels like. That was exactly what Brooke and I were doing. I can't not even remember what Spencer or Jeff were doing, probably holding each other up. Finally, after some time, we got control of ourselves, well i guess I should say, we could stand on our own two feet. I just stood at the door, and did manage to look in and just see his profile, and I just kept saying through terrible sobbing--this is too terrible, I can't go in any farther, I have had enough, I can't take anymore. Diane left Brooke and me at the door and she went on into the room where Taylor was. Yes, he was laying on a steel table----that is all I remember, I did not look around the room. My eyes were only on my son. He looked like he was sleeping. Finally, Brooke and I did walk up by Diane, which was right beside his face and shoulders. We looked down at him and touched his face and shoulders and by this time I was again wailing and sobbing so hard, I was going down, so Diane helped me back out to the couch. I think I was barely walking at this time, and by the time i got to the couch, i just fell on to it. The only thing that got me under control again, was Diane kept repeating over and over in my ear, he is not there, that is only his shell, he is with Jesus. Brooke by this time is sobbing and wailing so hard that Max is holding her up, and he brings her out to this same couch and she falls on it. I guess we must have looked like a pretty big mess, because Kelly, Bob's daughter says to Diane do you all want some water---we actually needed something stronger than water, but that is all we got . Jeff and Spencer then come out after Brooke---they seemed to be holding up much better than Brooke and I. Max then sat down on a chair beside the couch and started to tell us how God had shown him that Taylor was in heaven. God was also very clear in showing him---which is always comforting. When he was finished we all were calmer and had refocused that yes, Taylor was really in heaven, that was just his body----even though I knew that to be true, I still just wanted to scream----I want Taylor back in his body out sitting with us on this couch. Then here comes Bob again, out of that room and probably thinks I have not seen anything like this in a long time. Bob is now ringing his hands saying we have to get to the cemetery---somebody is out there waiting to see where you want your burial lot. I thought, i can't take one more thing of this-----please let this be over. We do sit on the couch a little bit longer trying to get a little more strength back-----i don't think any of us have eaten very much, if anything at all since yesterday sometime. We go out into the parking lot and get in our cars to go to the cemetery. Again, a very silent ride, no body says a word, I don't think any of us had the strength to talk. We get there and the Hartzler's are there---they must be the cemetery lot people. They looked really sad, they could relate to what we were going through. I think she told Diane that it has been thirteen years since their son was killed in a a car accident. He also was twenty, I think. We picked out the lot for Taylor. We then decided to just pick out our lots, of course right beside him, and we just picked out Brooke's, and Spencer's and their spouse too. We are all right together. The kids did not say anything, but I am sure they thought that was a little bit strange to have their cemetery lots all picked out for them and I am sure that if Brooke's boyfriend, which is over seas in the Navy, would have known this, he for sure would have thought we lost our minds. . As we were doing this, Max and Diane decided they would take the lots right beside us. We have been so close in life, we might as well be close in death. Ya know, just last memorial day, Diane and I were out at the cemetery looking at all the flowers and graves and we just commented, just where do you think we will end up getting buried. Little did we know that by August we would have our lots picked out and my son would be out there. I, to this day can not believe Taylor is in the cemetery and not up in his bed at nights----that makes my heart just ache thinking about that. We finally hobble over to our cars and get in them and come back to my house. The day is only half over and it felt like I have lived a hundred years in just three hours. Even though, this morning was extremely emotional and I cried, and sobbed and wailed million tears-----I knew Jesus was right there with us crying a million tears too. His heart was breaking for us----He carried us, or He worked through Diane carrying me, and Max carrying Brooke, but He never let us fall completely down. Even though, you might not have seen it through some of this, He really did give us Grace for the day---Yes, it was second by second, but He did. I probably never really seen it, until that night when I was crawling into bed, and I thought about the day----I knew without God's Amazing Grace, i would never had made it----I felt beaten up and whipped, but I had made it. I thought of the verse Isa. 40:29---God gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. Like i said it is only noon, but I will finish the rest of the day next time---but take comfort the worse part of this day is over.